Happy New Year!

Happy New Year... here's a song to get your feet moving!

Tell the Truth!

Happy Holidays!

I'm sending out much love to you all this Holiday season. And if you don't like it, I Pity Da FOO!

Peacock

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Our Founding Illegals

Too funny... our poor crops!

First person to dance

see SNL does still have funny stuff!

CDX: The Game

I just found CDX on the BBC website. WOW, it was actually fun! There are some frustrating parts... like not being able to pause or save it wherever you want and it's not the most user friendly interface I've ever used. But, I still enjoyed it.

I got stuck on the very last part only because my headache got the better of me. I know I'll finish it later! :P

Have you ever wondered....

...how many naked Japanese girls would fit into a phone booth?

And now you know :)

A lecture about English

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.

"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.

However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Cakes and Ale

Here is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:

Proctor: I beg your pardon?

Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

Proctor: Sorry, no.

Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin):

"Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale".

Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.

Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

Self Improvement Advice from the Devil

1. Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
2. Half the people you know are below average.
3. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
4. 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
6. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
7. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
8. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
9. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
10. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
11. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
12. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
13. I intend to live forever……so far, so good.
14. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
15. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
16. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
17. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
18. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
19. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Geek Band

I suck. I don't think I know what all of these game songs are in reference to, but I get pong, Tetris, Mortal Combat, Zelda (with some pokemon? *cough*) and of course Mario! I might have missed a couple... I can't tell LOL. Either way, Enjoy! :P

Vexing Vader

What? He seems like a boss with a sense of humor!

Don Liebert's Blog

LOL, Check out this guy's hilarious one liners :)

Well ok, some are a little longer :P

Two Priests

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store
and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their "tourist" garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs,
enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a
"drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini
came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said
"Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,"
nodding and addressing each of them individually,
then she passed on by.
They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store
and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde,
wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time,
came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said
"Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,"
and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,
"Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?"
"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know,
how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"
She replied,
"Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen."

Improve Your Sex Life

A girl found that she was not satisfying her current partner in bed, and decided to purchase a weekly correspondence course entitled "Better Sexual Techniques for Women - a seven week course".

Week 1
A letter came through the post, telling her to complete the entire course before trying any of the techniques on her partner. The first step was for her to wear nothing but a belt and tie a piece of string to the front of the belt. On the end of the string should be tied a apple, strategically placed to line up with her pubic region. She should then stand in front of the mirror and practice repeatedly hitting the apple by thrusting with her pubic region, for about 30 minutes every day for a week. Which she did, muttering to herself "Hit the apple ... hit the apple ..."

Week 2
A single page came through the post, telling her to attach a piece of string to the rear of the belt and to dangle a plum on the end of the string mid-way between her knees and her bottom. She then had to practice, in front of the mirror, hitting the apple and dodging the plum. So she did, muttering to herself "Hit the apple; dodge the plum ... hit the apple; dodge the plum ..."

Week 3
Getting into the swing of it, the next step was to attach a pair of pears to each side of the belt so that they hung down level with the centre of the hips. The pears had to be knocked using a circular motion that made them twist around on the strings. So she did that, muttering to herself "Hit the apple; dodge the plum; spin the pears ... hit the apple; dodge the plum; spin the pears ..."

Week 4
The latest page told her to stand over a small stool and squat down onto it after she had done all the other things. So she did that, muttering to herself "Hit the apple; dodge the plum; spin the pears; thump the stool ... hit the apple; dodge the plum; spin the pears; thump the stool ..."

Week 5
With her curiosity increasing, she opened the next part of the course. This required her to strap a slice of lemon to the inside of one knee and, after all the other actions had been performed, she had to squeeze the lemon between her knees. So she did that, muttering to herself "Hit the apple; dodge the plum; spin the pears; thump the stool; squeeze the lemon ... hit the apple; dodge the plum; spin the pears; thump the stool; squeeze the lemon ..."

Week 6
The penultimate step, the course reported. Back to the belt and the string again, this time to dangle a grape down her back such that it lay between her buttocks. The grape had to be crushed between her buttocks. So she did that, muttering to herself "Hit the apple; dodge the plum; spin the pears; thump the stool; squeeze the lemon; crush the grape ... hit the apple; dodge the plum; spin the pears; thump the stool; squeeze the lemon; crush the grape ..."

Week 7.
The final training session! Trembling with anticipation, she opened the post to discover that this week's instructions were to engage in the act of sexual congress with her partner flat on his back and her squatting on top. Then she had to undertake a repetition of the completed training; imagining that she was wearing the belt. So she did that, muttering to herself "Hit the apple ... dodge the plum ... spin the pears ... thump the stool ... squeeze the lemon ... crush the grape ... hit the apple ... dodge the plum ... spin the pears ... thump the stool ... squeeze the lemon ... crush the grape ..."

Her partner cried "Ooooooh!"
She cried "Ooooooh!" and went a bit faster:
"Hit the apple; dodge the plum; spin the pears; thump the stool; squeeze the lemon; crush the grape ... hit the apple; dodge the plum; spin the pears; thump the stool; squeeze the lemon; crush the grape ..."

Her partner cried "OOOOOOOh!"
She cried "OOOOOOh!" and went a bit faster:
"Hit-the-apple dodge-the-plum spin-the-pears thump-the-stool squeeze-the-lemon crush-the-grape; hit-the-apple dodge-the-plum spin-the-pears thump-the-stool squeeze-the-lemon crush-the-grape;"

Her partner cried "YES! YES!"
She cried "YES! YES!" and went even faster:
"Hit-apple dodge-plum spin-pears thump-stool squeeze-lemon crush-grape; hit-apple dodge-plum spin-pears thump-stool squeeze-lemon crush-grape;"

Her partner cried "AAARGGGHHH!"
She cried "AAAAAARRRGGGGGHH!" and went even faster:
"Apple Plum Pears Stool Lemon Grape; Apple Plum Pears Stool Lemon Grape;"

Her partner cried "FASTER!"
She cried "FUCK IT!" and went:
"AppleAppleAppleAppleApple..."

Super Monk

Hilarious!! Monks rule!! hehe

Shake ya Boogie

Great music to get your head a-boppin'.... I love the video!

Naturally 7

I love this kind of stuff - spontaneous concerts :) These guys have great voices!

Concert sauvage dans le métro !

Offensive Drawing

Yeah, I know I still haven't written about my misadventures with the internet in NYC... I guess it just sounds kind of dumb now that I reflect on it. To sum it up, my laptop completely crashed on the first day and I couldn't find any place to check my e-mail - each day something would happen to prevent me from accessing it. You'd think there would be more internet cafes, huh? Oh well.

Anyway, I found this humorous video that I wanted to share... I wish I could draw as well as him :) Enjoy!

Blonde What?

I wish Match.com would stop spamming me!! The bastards!!

What really scared me is this recent e-mail:

Blonde what? AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhh, OMB RUN AWAY!!

Can You Get Married in Heaven?

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informs the couple, "You CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER!

Hungry Kitty

Wow! I just spent a week in NYC without the internet, stupid laptop :(. I'm still shaking from the withdrawal!! I'll write more of my misadventures when I get back... I'm heading out of town again for a day or two!

Super Hero

Damn Quizzes... but sweet!! I'm most like Cyclops!!

Female Gamers

I love all my female gaming friends... none that I know are like this, but it's still damn funny! LOL

Sundae Chocolate Sundae

I had to blog this since I love all things chocolate!!... The Fump has some pretty cool & funny songs too :P

Wonderful World

Raymond Crowe making shadow puppets to the song "Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong... the best song ever! And an amazing show!

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had is number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me," He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass," I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.

George Carlin 101 quotes

In no particular order here are his 101 best…

1. I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
2. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
3. Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
4. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
5. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
6. I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
7. I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
8. You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
9. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
10. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
11. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
12. No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
13. There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.
14. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
15. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
16. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
17. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
18. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
19. If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
20. If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
21. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
22. Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
23. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
24. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
25. If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
26. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
27. I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
28. I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
29. If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
30. You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
31. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
32. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
33. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
34. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
35. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
36. When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
37. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
38. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
39. I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
40. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
41. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
42. So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
43. Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
44. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
45. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
46. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
47. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
48. God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
49. I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
50. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
51. If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
52. What year did Jesus think it was?
53. George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
54. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
55. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
56. Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
57. “One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
58. No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
59. Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
60. The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
61. The future will soon be a thing of the past.
62. The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
63. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
64. Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
65. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
66. I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
67. Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
68. “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
69. Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
70. And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”
71. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
72. Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.
73. Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
74. Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
75. I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
76. Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
77. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
78. If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
79. “Meow” means “woof” in cat.
80. Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
81. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
82. “No comment” is a comment.
83. If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
84. You can’t argue with a good blowjob.
85. Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
86. So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
87. Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
88. Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
89. When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
90. The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
91. I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
92. If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
93. Hooray for most things!
94. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
95. I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
96. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
97. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
98. Life is a zero sum game.
99. Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
100. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
101. It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.

Human Space Invaders

Wow, I guess I'm on a geek theme this week LOL... oh well, enjoy!!

(this group also made videos of Pong and Pole Position)

Ultimate Geek Band

Makes me proud to be a geek :P

John Cleese's Letter to America

To the citizens of the United States of America

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5.There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only inEngland. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

John Cleese

Why Men make better friends than women

Friendship Between Women:
A woman doesn’t come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. So he calls his wife’s 10 best friends and none of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men:
A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. So she calls her husband’s 10 best friends and eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

Itching Powder

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch; and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth. For the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less; and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, told him to kiss off.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story - Pay your Doctor bills

When you are drunk...

It is Difficult to say:

Cinnamon
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation

It is VERY Difficult to say:

British Constitution
Loquacious Transubstantiate
Passive-aggressive disorder
Specificity

It is downright IMPOSSIBLE to say:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more alcohol for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
You're right, I can't jump over that table!

Beware Prince Charles

Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope died.

Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope died

IN THE FUTURE, IF PRINCE CHARLES DECIDES TO MARRY, SOMEBODY PLEASE WARN THE POPE.

Damn you Pachelbel!

Rob Paravonian has nothing good to save about Pachelbel! I ended up watching this twice and laughing the whole time :)

Elevator

Episodes inside an elevator :)

Odd and interesting :P...

Scary Baby

This picture of a scary baby is just too funny...
what's even funnier are all the other versions :P

Pumpcast

Hey you, yeah you!! Play this video!

The Humans are Dead

This song is too good not to share :P

The band is called "Flight Of The Conchords"

Arousal

One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote."

Dear Miriam

I could do this job! Where do I sign up?

F*ck off and Die!

Silly Denmarkians (~blink)... this is a music video clip from a movie called "Terkel i knibe" (Terkel in Trouble). I haven't seen it, but from this clip and from reading reviews of it from IMDB, I think I'm I'm going to look for the Englishian version :P

Enjoy! LOL

Talented Bunny

Wow, I've seen the pictures of the bunny with a pancake on his head. And a few others. But I always thought it was a photoshopped. I never knew!! LOL

His name was Oolong and sadly he has passed away, but wow what a cool pet to have :P

Check out this huge album of pictures! And yes, that's 10 cookies on his head in the picture below :P

Puzzling Question

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

[+/-] show/hide answer
Get your drunk-ass off the merry-go-round.

Groovy dancing girl

I like this... it's very cool. And yes, I do think the video was sped up, it just makes it cooler :P

ED problems no more!

You are a Pirate!

Ummm ok I'm guessing this is the original source of this pirate song... it scares me.

I think I like this original flash movie better

Tiny Angel

I lost a dear friend of mine today. Her last request was that no one mourn her death, but celebrate her life. She was a very loving and special person. Below is a poem she wanted everyone to have in memory of her.

Tiny Angel

I am a tiny angel

I'm smaller than your thumb

I live in people's pockets

That's were I have my fun

I don't suppose you've seen me

I'm too tiny to detect

Though I'm with you all the time

I doubt we've ever met

Before I was an angel

I was a fairy in a flower

God Himself, hand picked me

and gave me angel power

Now God has many angels

That he trains in Angel Pools

We become his eyes, his ears and hands

We become his special tools

And because God is so busy

with way too much to do

He said that my assignment

is too keep close watch on you

When he tucked me in your pocket

He blessed you with angel care

Then told me to never leave you

And I vowed always to be there

Dance Monkeys, Dance!

We are all just monkeys. So DANCE!

Prepare to DIE...

... laughing LOL :P

I had too much fun playing with this site... there are others pictures there you can modify like an Uncle Sam poster or your very own dictionary entry. Have fun! hehe

Rubber Duck Odyssey

Shamelessly copied and pasted from Skynews

---

Hundreds of rubber ducks are expected to appear off the coast of Cornwall - having been afloat at sea for the past 15 years.

The wayward bath toys have covered 17,000 miles since they accidentally fell overboard in the Pacific Ocean during a storm in January, 1992.

They were among a consignment of 28,800 plastic ducks, beavers, turtles and frogs that were being taken from Hong Kong to Washington State in the US.

Seattle oceanographer Curtis Ebbesmeyer has been monitoring the toys as a means of mapping ocean currents.

He is interested to see where they come ashore, with some of the toys apparently having reached the east coast of America.

The Daily Express quoted him as saying: "It's now inevitable that they will get caught up in the Atlantic currents and will turn up on English beaches.

"Cornwall and the South West will probably get the first batch of them."

If a toy is returned to the manufacturer the finder can claim a £50 reward.

But the ducks are far more valuable if they are sold privately as curiosity items - fetching up to £1,000.

The plastic animals have already reached places as diverse as Indonesia, Australia and South America.

But Alaska has proved a popular washing up point for the washtime toys.

Between 1993 and 2005 Alaska residents Dean Orbison and his son Tyler collected 121 plastic animals as they came ashore near the city of Sitka.

How to escape...

...a fart, the Japanese way

A Cry for Help

Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived: Happiness, Sadness, and all of the others, including Love.

One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all repaired their boats and left.

Love was the only one who stayed. Love wanted to persevere until the last possible moment.

When the island was almost sinking, Love decided to ask for help.

Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said, "Richness, can you take me with you?" Richness answered, "No I can't..There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place for you here."

Love decided to ask Vanity, who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel, "Vanity, please help me!" "I can't help you Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat," Vanity answered.

Sadness was close by so Love asked for help, "Sadness let me go with you." "Oh...Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!"

Happiness passed by Love too, but she was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her!

Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come Love, I will take you." It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that he even forgot to ask the elder her name.

When they arrived at dry land, the elder went her own way. Love, realizing how much he owed the elder, asked Knowledge, another elder, "Who helped me?"

"It was Time", Knowledge answered.

"Time?" asked Love. "But why did Time help me?

Knowledge smiled with deep wisdom and answered, "Because only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is."

Author: Unknown

My first time ever...

It was my first time ever

And I’ll never forget

I’d do it again

Without a single regret.

The sky was dark

The moon was high

We were all alone

Just she and I.

Her hair was soft

Her eyes were blue

I knew just what

She wanted to do.

Her skin so soft

Her legs so fine

I ran my fingers

Down her spine.

I didn’t know how

But I tried my best

I started by placing

My hands on her breast.

I remember my fear

My fast beating heart

But slowly she spread

Her legs apart.

And when I did it

I felt no shame

All at once

The white stuff came.

At last it’s finished

It’s all over now

My first time ever

At milking a cow…

NOW ALL YOU DIRTY MINDED PEOPLE GET BACK TO WORK..

Zombies need love too....

... from bullets, exploding barrels, mines and rockets! MUWAAHAAAHAA

Vegetarian Rhapsody

This is why I'll never be a vegetarian... I like meat!! But I'm not sure if I like meat enough to have a meat wedding cake

Screamin' Beans

Beans beans the tootiful fruit... oh wait, I guess these beans scream LOL. This is too much fun to keep playing over and over and over...

Adventures with Dad Update

Opps, I've been acting blond again lately - no blog updates! (thanks for reminding me drm2b!)

So this isn't really an Adventures with Dad post :( LOL

I should have mentioned on my blog that I was gone for a week (April 20 - April 28). I spent that time at my parent's house and I took my aunt with me. My dad had his surgery on Saturday, April 21st. It was a partial nephrectomy (a piece of his kidney was removed). The pathology report showed no spread of his cancer and he was discharged home on Tuesday April 24th and quickly returned back to his normal self. And by "normal self" I mean, his normal craziness (YAY I made up an oxymoron!). My aunt decided to stay longer and watch over my him while my mother was at work. I've been getting daily reports of her adventures with him LOL. Lets just say she yelled at him for wearing a shirt (only a shirt!)

Other crazy stuff has been happening too. One of which is that I'm back to studying! YAY! Secondly, my aunt called me in hysterics on Friday. She said that no one was watching her cat! Her friend that was watching him had his car break down on Tuesday - nice guy to finally call her on Friday huh? So I rushed over to her place where it took me almost an hour to finally get her cat into a travel carrier. He's freaking out! I didn't see any food around and he was huddled in the corner of the bedroom closet. Anyway, he's at home with me now and still freaking out. I haven't seen him eat anything yet and he hasn't used the litter box :(

Anyway, having a cat around again inspired me to blog about it LOL... enjoy! (and yes I drew all the crappy pictures myself LOL)

Lastly, from my studies I found a quote I really liked, so I had to share LOL...

The definition of a "normal" person is someone who has not been sufficiently scrutinized

The Blonde and the Genie

I almost wish this would happen to Paris-loser-what's-her-name... wouldn't that be great?

Easter Bunny

What's the Easter Bunny do the other 364 days a year? I wonder...

Visuwords

I found this very cool online visual dictionary... Click the random button just for fun! :P

How Pure are you?

You Are 40% Pure

You're usually the typical girl or guy next door... But you also have a secret naughty side!

How Pure Are You?

My Adventures with Dad #3

Yes, it's back!! The ever thrilling and sometimes shocking... (insert booming voice here) Adventures with Dad! ...part 3 :)

My day started out normally for me. I rubbed my eyes, ruffled my hair and scratched myself. Then, I heard my cell phone ringing. It was my aunt, she sounded frantic and said, "You better call your dad, he's acting crazy!"

"Wha...", is all I got out when I heard the beep of my call waiting. It was my dad. I told her he was calling and that I'd call her back.

In my previous adventures with dad, I didn't mention that a small tumor was found in his left kidney. The doctors thought it best to remove it as soon as he was healthy enough for surgery. The surgeon scheduled him to have it done two weeks after discharge from the hospital. Well, my dad freaked out and we had to get a second opinion. The second doctor wasn't as eager to perform surgery so soon from being hospitalized, but still recommended it. My dad was relieved, he liked the second doctor's opinion better. Or so he thought. I know now that he was just terrified of having surgery.

Yesterday, over a full month after my dad was discharged from the hospital, he had to get an exercise stress test. And today, he found out that the doctor read the results, was satisfied with his condition and thought it best to perform surgery as soon as possible. This was what my dad had to tell me in the phone call.

My dad has never had surgery before and was worried about it. Very worried about it. I reassured him and told him it was safe and that the hospital did plenty of surgeries similar to that everyday... blah blah blah (insert bullshit here). He sounded relieved. He really did want the surgery, but he was just scared. He told me he wanted to schedule the surgery in June because he was worried about my sister's vacation that she had planned for May and also the expense of her airline ticket to come see him. I told him not to worry about that and to just schedule the surgery, preferably at the end of this month. We finally hung up.

About 10 minutes later, he called me again.

"I can't remember the name of the doctor... I think it was Mac something"

"Dad, I don't remember it exactly, it was something like McDougall or McDonough. Call your primary doctor and get his number from them, they referred you to him"

"Oh... okay... bye"

Another 20 minutes passed, and while I was in the shower my dad called again. He left a message.

"Well, I called the doctor and he said he could schedule the surgery for the 13th"

When I heard this message, I thought he must be mistaken... he must really mean he scheduled the surgery for next month. The 13th is tomorrow!

I called him back, "did you mean the 13th of next month?"

"No, this month, April 13th... why what is today?"

"OMG! Today is the 12th, the 13th is tomorrow!"

As you can see, I was pretty upset by now and told him I needed more than one day of notice. I actually have important plans this weekend (of which I'll share later) and that there was no way my sister could get there by tomorrow either. And what happened to him worrying about the cost of her airline ticket?!

He said he'd call to move it to later this month or next month and woefully hung up.

ARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I had lunch with a squirrel...

...because I think I need some serious help

This made me chuckle for 3.2 seconds, so I thought I'd torture you all with it too.. YAY!!

Pick the month you were born:

January	I kicked
February	I loved
March	I karate chopped
April	I licked
May	I jumped on
June	I smelled
July	I did the Macarena with
August	I had lunch with
September	I danced with
October	I sang to
November	I yelled at
December	I ran over

Pick the day (number) you were born on:

1. a birdbath
2. a monster
3. a phone
4. a fork
5. a snowman
6. a gangster
7. my cell phone
8. my dog
9. my best friends' boyfriend
10. my neighbor
11. my science teacher
12. a banana
13. a fireman
14. a stuffed animal
15. a goat
16. a pickle
17. your mom
18. a spoon
19. a smurf
20. a baseball bat
21. a ninja
22. Chuck Norris
23. a noodle
24. a squirrel
25. a football player
26. my sister
27. my brother
28. an ipod
29. a surfer
30. a llama
31. A homeless guy

Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:

White	because I'm cool like that.
Black	because that's how I roll.
Pink	because I'm NOT crazy.
Red	because the voices told me to.
Blue	because I'm sexy and I do what I want.
Green	because I think I need some serious help.
Purple	because I'm AWESOME!
Gray	because Big Bird said to and he's my leader.
Yellow	because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars.
Orange	because my family thinks I'm stupid anyway.
Brown	because I can.
Other	because I'm a Ninja!
None	because I can't control myself.

Now look at the sentence you made. HA HA ~points and laughs at you... you're weird!!

Ravenstoke needs more women!

Ravenstoke Alaska or Stinky Alaska, you decide...

glumbert.com

Emo this! ~finger

You're not the emo-est of quiz-takers, but you lean in an emo direction. You feel angry and passionate on a regular basis, but you also have an easygoing side that keeps you grounded. You're naturally introspective, but you're not compelled to analyze every detail of your life—sometimes you'd rather shrug your shoulders and get on with the day. You understand why your emo friends seem so sensitive, but you also get why that drives your non-emo friends crazy. You're the happy medium of emo-ness! Not happy in the middle? Try the quiz.

Cyanide & Happiness Video

I'm sure some of you have seen the Cyanide & Happiness strips that I've blogged in the past.. they are sick and wrong, and I love em! LOL... Here is a Flash Video I had to share :P ENJOY!!

How much do YOU love noodles?

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

The Annoying Devil

This guy really needs a beating LOL... all I can say is silly Brits!

Click to Play

And now for something completely different...

... or should I say something that's a complete waste of time! But fun! YAY!!!

I think my favorite was the F-18s. I took a screen shot!

The New Karaoke

The Belgians have taken Karaoke to the next level...

With this little pig you can now sing-and-fart-along in style! I really felt like getting up and dancing/singing/farting along! LOL

Why is it....

... that Superman dresses like he does? I think Cleft discovered his secret!

Beaver Cam

What if Mr. Beaver from Narnia had his own kids show... and it went horribly wrong? This video is a parody of the beaver character for Epic Movie. Mr. Beaver walks around Hollywood, showing us the world from a beaver's perspective... and runs into stuff that is not so kid-friendly!

Beaver Cam - Epic Movie - The best bloopers are a click away

How Many of Me?

Well, I'm back home now... catching up on e-mails and other junk

check this out :P

Oh, and Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

HowManyOfMe.com

There are: 72 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?